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About Literature / Hobbyist Senior Member Tim LatshawMale/United States Recent Activity
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Literature
News Anchor Barbie fits mold
In what can be seen either as a tribute to Katie Couric or a challenge for superiority, people voting worldwide have chosen Barbie's latest career: news anchor.
Yes. In addition to being a fairy, princess, and fairy princess, Barbie can now be found in the make-believe world of unbiased network reporting.
With a proclaimed "flair for journalism – and power pink!" Barbie seems cut out more for interviewing "The Situation" than being on The Situation Room, but maybe I should reserve judgment until we see Wolf Blitzer in a knee-high skirt. However, Barbie does possess one quality any real news anchor would die for: perfect, immovable hair.
Personally, I don't feel offended that Barbie is now a journalist--I'm more concerned about her disturbingly well-kempt and smiling portrayal as a computer engineer. I still have to worry about the mental stability of any child who chooses to play "Nightly News," though:
"Good evening; I'm Barbie. Diane Sawyer is off tonight.
"Later in tonight's pr
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Literature
Biology of the Long-tailed a
The ecosystem of language is relatively stable, with few of its creatures ever facing the threat of extinction. One exception, of course, is the Interrobang, an obviously detrimental mutation that should serve as an example of the horrors of punctuational incest.
However, when a purer character begins to fade, it is all the more important for conservationists to step in and ensure not only its survival, but the precious balance of keyboard habitats everywhere. A more recent story of conservational success revolves around the Long-tailed a.
The Long-tailed a looks much like its more plentiful cousin, the Giant a, but are instantly differentiated by their backside protrusions. Whereas the Giant a possesses a stubby, rather useless tail, the Long-tailed a's is almost comically lengthy and capable of wrapping fully around the creature's body. Informally, this characteristic has earned the mark the nickname "The Marsupilami of Punctuation."
In its early history, the Long-tailed a was kept a
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Literature
Fake News: 'Sparkle parties'
NEW ORLEANS - With newfound soaring popularity, it's a great time to be a vampire - unless, that is, you're out of the times. Luckily, groups of old-fashioned blood-sucking guys can receive a crash course in luring modern-day victims.
The gatherings, nicknamed  "sparkle parties" by women of their kind, are specifically tuned to educate the male vampire on what a young human female expects - and practically demands - of vampires nowadays.
"It has never been easier to feed," said vampire and course creator Vlad "Vincent" DelRoque. "There are young women - and some slightly older, particularly older librarians - willing to throw themselves in front of your fangs. You just have to adapt yourself to the well of vampiric knowledge from which they draw, and it just unfortunately happens to be that of a crazy Mormon mother of three in her 30s who never watches horror films."
This means traditional vampires are quickly learning to replace that well-cemented widow's peak with a soft, s
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Literature
CDC fears Santa lap contagions
ATLANTA, Ga.–As parents struggle to maintain as festive a germ-free bubble as possible around their children this holiday flu season, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) warn of a particularly high area of Christmas contagion: Santa laps.
Officials from the CDC tested several hundred Santa laps this season, ranging from the standard mall Santa to the guy who pulled the short straw at the office Christmas party. Results were said to be quite surprising.
"We found high levels of bacterial and viral contaminants on almost every Santa, specifically centered around the lap region," said Roger Levenstein, director of pathology. "Perhaps the most poignant of tests was when we shone our special UV lights on the Santas to gauge the intensity of contamination. I can still see their… quadrants glowing whenever I close my eyes."
According to the CDC, the fluff and softness inherent to most Santa suits provides an environment that not only retains disease, but allows it to thrive. One p
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Literature
RSWBAV: Pinncale of Passion
"This is it," she said. "The place where all the magic is supposed to happen."
Half of a chuckle escaped his throat; the rest firmly held in place by nerves. "I guess it makes sense," he said, turning back toward the sweeping vista of the island and out to the sparkling ocean beyond. His peripheral vision, however, caught the tips of her long, dark hair, riding upon the warm breezes, and he could not help but follow the flowing trails back to her smooth, bright face.
"So it's really true?" she asked. "You've never…"
"I haven't," he said, giving a dismissive shrug. "And this is your first time–"
"Yeah…" She shifted her weight to one foot and scratched her ankle with the other. "We're sort of both dying breeds."
He nodded, another chuckle escaping more freely. "You could say that. So, well… how do you want to go about this?"
Pinches of pink turned up on her cheeks. "I kind of came up earlier and picked out a spot." She pointed. "I know it takes two for this, but I was
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Literature
NEWS: Geocaching
Worldwide techno-hunt has many finds in area
By TIM LATSHAW
OBSERVER Staff Writer
There is treasure hidden everywhere.
It lies off rarely-beaten paths in the wilderness and in the middle of the city. You might pass by it every day and have never known it was there. It is small. It is large. It might even be completely intangible.
And you're more than welcome to find it. All you need is a GPS unit, an online connection and a desire to explore.
It's called “geocaching” and since its beginnings in 2000, the hobby/sport has spread throughout the world, subsequently gathering a local following and attracting other seekers to visit the region.
The premise is simple: Someone hides a “cache”—most often a waterproof container of some sort—in a specific location. Then, using a global positioning satellite (GPS) unit, the person records the coordinates of the cache and posts them to a Web site, such as www.geocaching.com. Others take these coordinates and plug them i
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Literature
NEWS: Gowanda Flood Aftermath
By TIM LATSHAW
OBSERVER Assistant News Editor
GOWANDA — Three weeks following the flooding of Cattaraugus Creek and its tributaries through Gowanda, the village continues a lengthy recovery process.
All main roads are now open into the village and a sustainable supply of usable water has been maintained. Most of the piles of refuse that lined the curbsides outside flooded homes have since been  picked up. The school year is quickly approaching, scheduled to begin on time.
Many people, however, are still faced with the challenges of repairing extensive damages to their homes and recuperating their losses — an impossible task, in some cases. Yet through these obstacles, many have also tasked themselves with reopening village businesses and conducting community-based outreach.
Business
Becky Hubbard, owner of Gabel Bros. furniture store on West Main Street, was alerted around 11 p.m. on Sunday, Aug. 9 to water entering the basement of the main store.
According t
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Literature
Moon program parked for good
CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. — One small step for man; one giant fine for mankind.
Forty years following man's first landing on the moon, NASA has finally revealed why one of history's greatest feats has not been repeated since 1972: parking tickets.
“It is with sincere shame and apology we tell the world today that yes, not only is there a race of humanoid beings that exist on the moon, but that they also have a traffic ordinance,” NASA spokesperson Bruce Buckingham told a stunned-to-silence press corps Monday.
According to Buckingham, it turns out that the now famous “Sea of Tranquility” site where the Apollo 11 lunar module landed is a designated “no parking” zone to the resident lifeforms, referred to as “Mooninites.” The large stages left behind during the descent and ascent of the model are considered to be in violation.
“The Mooninites sent us notice,” Buckingham said, “but mail between the earth and moon is slow. We had our Ap
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Literature
Bargain Row
Bargain Row
[Scene: A local big-box store; the electronics department. An associate picks up a lone copy of Mass Effect from the glass cases and carries it off.]
MASS EFFECT: Deployment, at last! I dare say this day has been too long in coming. It feels like eons I have remained in stasis as my brethren before me left to the void, one by one. Who has chosen me, madam? A true scholar of the genre? Or perhaps a shooter fan I shall have the pleasure of educating on the finer points of tactical space adventure? I dutifully await my orders!
[The associate sets the game down in a bin filled with other assorted games and walks away.]
MASS EFFECT: Hm. Some sort of waiting area, I take it, to ensure all the paperwork is completed? Fine, fine; but do not be long. I have much work to do, as I am certain do (looks around) Rayman Raving Rabbids... and... and Imagine Babyz? What is this... (looks up at a posted sign that reads “$20 and under”) No... No! Madam Associate! Madam Associate!! T
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Literature
Price-busters
Being a man, and a single one at that, I have remained under a certain level of ignorance regarding women's rights. I have known that it seems to be ongoing, but I was never quite sure why — that is, until I learned just how many separate battles are being waged on one front. Or maybe it's how many fronts have been engaged in one battle...
The British have recently earned a victory in the name of large bosoms. Now, large bosoms, to me, have never seemed like objects in need of any form of defense. Like other ignorant males, I had just come to respect the seemingly enigmatic power and influence they have possessed over the world,  somewhere along the levels of the Vatican and Donald Trump. But large bosoms have a weakness that has, until now, been exploited: their pocketbooks.
Sorry, I mean their purses.
The purses belonging to the women in possession of the large bosoms. Right.
Associated Press writer Gregory Katz, in what he may remember as his best assignment ever, rep
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Literature
Interview with the Cherub
[A camera is trained on a small, chubby, man sitting on a stool. He winces momentarily, his wings spreading, as a light passes over his eyes.]
OFF-SCREEN INTERVIEWER: I'm sorry. We're usually set up well in advance for these, but this was on such short notice and we know you're very busy. We're very grateful you could take time at all.
WINGED MAN: Hey, no worries. No one's ever wanted to ask us anything before, like it's some mystical sorta thing, you know? It's really pretty basic if—
INTERVIEWER: I've been told we're ready, sir.
WINGED MAN: Oh, right. Good to go, here.
INTERVIEWER: Right, then. Roll film.
[The camera's red light blinks on.]
Again, thank you for taking the time, Mr. ... Cupid...?
WINGED MAN: Kip, please. Cupid was our founder, so he's become our brand name in a way. Like Kleenex with us, but we all have different names.
INTERVIEWER: Kip, then. Sorry. There are many of you, then?
KIP: Yep! A couple million, give or take.
INTERVIEWER: Unionized?
KIP: Think we'd sti
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Literature
Corporate Regifting
By now you've hopefully realized that all of these bailouts and stimuli being injected into the American economy — as though our Treasury Secretary was Barry Bonds — are composed of taxpayer money. It's a warm, fuzzy feeling knowing the government is giving your money to help out those who didn't know how to properly handle it in the first place; warm and fuzzy just like a rat in a microwave.
As taxpayers, we don't seem to have any real control over who Congress gives our money to, but at least all these corporate institutions are figuring out what's going on, right? I mean sure, there have already been a couple corporations who've held one hand out to Congress for money while the other hand was getting manicured in Aspen, but they must have learned by now they should be more conservative with their bailouts and not so... so... crunk rapper-ish with their fiscal salvation. Right?
Well, I'm writing a column, so that can't be a good sign.
And, of course, they haven't. Ac
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Literature
The Necromancer
The jars on the shelf; he noted how light some of them had become as he took them down. He scraped around the edges of these vessels, amassing what residues he could to bolster his dwindling supply.
On the table: flesh, bone and sinew, composed by the hand of either God or some predecessor into an ideal shape. Masterful. Beautiful. But with its reality existing only in form, useless and cold; no better on his table than a statue in a museum. Perhaps worse.
Whether there had once been any spark to move these organic gears, he did not know. Yet as time passed, the question mattered increasingly less to him. All he knew is that others before him had been successful under similar goals, and if they could do it, he had to possess the potential to be equally competent.
Ingredients thoroughly ground and mixed in the old mortar, he took the knife. A quick slice along the palm, coupled with a wince and a sharp intake of breath, produced a tiny stream of blood that he funneled into the mortar th
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Literature
Politics Needs More Punch
Political discourse in our country has become weak. We’re promised that the gloves will come off in face-to-face debates, yet the most fired up person Tuesday night was Tom Brokaw. He was going to enforce the timing rules both campaigns agreed upon, dangnabbit, and I swear at one point he almost looked like he was considering threatening to rise from his chair to do so! Maybe.
Otherwise, the debate was dull. The candidates traded verbal slaps on the wrist while the other sat back and grinned at how much it tickled. McCain even went so far as to call Obama “that guy” as if his opponent was a pesky neighbor discussed in low tones at neighborhood watch meetings. (“You know who never shovels his part of the sidewalk and has a potentially dangerous international policy regarding suspected terrorist countries? That guy.”)
What we need to do is inject more of a sense of passion and involvement into our politics, by which I mean incorporate more violence. It app
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Literature
Sweater
Barry almost forgot to breathe when he caught the first signs of fall creeping upon him: the Mountain Dews were changing.
He swore to himself he would notice as soon as it happened, but nature always seems to creep up on humanity. It was as if one day he looked up to see the bright, Windex and antifreeze-like hues of the summer and then suddenly boom, those day-glo orange and inky black flavors were taking over the cases.  
It spread to the snack cakes next, the white of the Hostess Snoball almost seeming to blow away like dandelion fluff to be replaced by more orange and little imprints of bats. But what really drove it home were the Oreos. The Oreos were the true oracles of the season, and once they turned the same factory-churned orange of the rest of his inventory, he knew he had made it.
The last lease payment was made. His convenience store was officially a success.
Barry was busy decorating the scratch-offs vending machine with plastic leaves when a few real ones blew
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Literature
Bow Down
To the most unkempt wonders preside under the sides of three-boxed
Viewer until explosions of sun and the sky do
Strike the bluest of blue and blow and blow
Like some wolf and of the forest like the greenest tide
Of a dead ocean and clouds to match
And they aren't there because
If I was to see what you were to see
Then a collective mind would
Descend and fall like a sky
Upwards, hence, and hurry
For the wolves return on sledges of iron
And bronzed perhaps without a song they'll sing their
Words, fading backwards,
So rising, not
Falling, as I spoke of last night
To you as you slept silently, one hundred
Miles away and I
Cried for you bitterly and I wished that through this
March of the copper
Giants you will be well and perhaps to see
That I am not so dead as I am backward warming
So cold am I to touch, or
Flesh, cooked so slowly
That it has frozen before
It reaches boiling point which
It does, it does.
And as I spoke over a dulled tone of the sweetest
Melancholy, a greyed edifice of
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Literature
Q: A Letter no Longer
     Q was stripped of its status as a letter when linguists from around the world declared it "unnecessary," leaving just 25 letters in the Latin alphabet.
     The glyph Q (pronounced "cue"), discovered in 1742 by Benjamin Franklin, has traditionally been the 17th letter of the alphabet. However, modern linguists have doubted its status as a letter for decades, noting that in virtually all cases, the arrangement "Cu" can replace "Qu" with no notable change. Serious debate over what constitutes a letter arose when a move to add to the alphabet was shot down, leading many of its proponents to argue that much of the same reasoning could be used against Q as well.
     Fans of Q, such as those introduced to the character via its prominence in the James Bond films and the Star Trek series, are fighting the decision, as are many fans of the traditional "Alphabet Song," which includes Q. However, after all a
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Literature
Little old lightbulb
Little old lightbulb,
all burnt out?
A twist at the neck
eliminates doubt.
A twist at the neck
eliminates doubt -
little old lightbulb?
All burnt out.
:iconoddlyaromatic:oddlyaromatic
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Activity


deviantID

triptychr
Tim Latshaw
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States
Current Residence: Grand Rapids, MI
Does freelance writing on the side when people want him to.
Interests

What was your favorite "Disney Afternoon" cartoon? 

39%
20 deviants said Darkwing Duck
29%
15 deviants said Recue Rangers
20%
10 deviants said Tale Spin
12%
6 deviants said Gummi Bears
Yeah, I thought it may have been an April Fool's joke at first. I thought maybe everyone looked like they had a DD when hey logged in today. Why would anyone dive into a sparsely used profile anymore looking for something to showcase?

And yet, it happened. I greatly appreciate the fact that the work I have on here is still relevant--at least some of it. Thank you to everyone who took the time to read and comment, and I'm glad it still made you laugh!

Right now I'm still concentrating most of my writing for articles at The Escapist: www.escapistmagazine.com. Look for one in a few weeks featuring one of my favorite game characters through the years, Kirby.

I still exist here, so feel free to drop me a line. And, of course, keep producing great stuff!

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:iconjasperinity:
Jasperinity Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2016
Happy birthday! :D
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:iconvka3:
VKA3 Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Like your writing

Thank You Watch by VKA3
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:iconbirthdays:
birthdays Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2015
:woohoo: :party: :iconcakelickplz: !!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!! :iconcakelickplz: :party: :woohoo:

On behalf of the birthdays team, I sincerely apologize that your greeting has arrived late this year.

We hope you had an awesome day with lots of birthday fun, gifts, happiness and most definitely, lots of cake! Here's to another year!

Many well wishes and love from your friendly birthdays team :love:

---
Birthdays Team
This birthday greeting was brought to you by: KoudelkaW
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:iconjasperinity:
Jasperinity Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2015
Happy birthday! :D
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:iconlintu47:
Lintu47 Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
Misc Emoji (Happy Birthday Bunny n Bear) [PMotes] by Jerikuto
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