Screen actor and figurative human monolith Charlton Heston died Saturday after a courageous, three-day battle with a mountain lion not far from his Beverly Hills home.

Heston died with his wife at his side, cheering him on. She later said that her husband had spotted the mountain lion “looking at him disrespectfully” from a forest two miles away.

He was best known for playing characters in historic epics including “Ben-Hur” and “Julius Caesar.” Heston originally wanted to  play the role of God in “The Ten Commandments” but, after a week-long negotiation on an undisclosed Himalayan mountaintop, he agreed to let God play Himself in return for being granted the role of Moses and retrofitted with a chin honed by the finest of angel craftsmen.

However, Heston's greatest role was in the historic-epic-as-soon-as-it-happens “Planet of the Apes.” Wisely observing mankind's self-destructive nature, he left it this celluloid prevention/survival guide masked beneath the veil of entertainment and numerous lackluster sequels. And lackluster TV miniseries. And a lackluster 2001 remake. A heavy lacquer of lackluster, really, to preserve the message of the original. Heston continued his crusade against “damn dirty apes” well into his golden years, his last documented battle found in the film “Bowling for Columbine.”

A private memorial service will be held followed by a public viewing in which, according to Heston's will, visitors will be allowed to pry his rifle from his cold, dead hands. All are expected to fail but one, who will be crowned the new president of the NRA.

Chuck Norris expressed his condolences to Heston's family but denies that his DNA has ever been genetically combined with a mountain lion's, to his knowledge. Most wildlife experts maintain that this is the only way a simple beast could have ever had a chance against Heston.