Dear Honorable Mr. Holmes:

I bring to you hearty greetings from across the pond. However, as you likely have already surmised by the small smudge on the address bar of the envelope undoubtedly caused by a bead of my own sweat, I also deliver a quandary for the likes of your finely honed skills.

As you may know, a survey was recently conducted of 3,000 of your fellow Britons, asking whether certain figures were real or fictional. When your name came up, Mr. Holmes, 58 percent said you were real.

Isn't that preposterous? That means 42 percent believe you're a fake! I can only think that such hoodwinkery be caused by some sort of slanderous propaganda scheme.

The chigger of misinformation digs even more deeply into the skin of your fellow countrymen, sir. When asked of Winston Churchill, 23 percent believed he was made up. Am I, with most sincerity, being asked to believe that a staggering 77 percent of Britons actually think Churchill was real? The same Churchill who lit his cigars with his squinty laser beam eyes and fought alongside Stalin, the god-man with his mighty hammer and sickle, and Roosevelt, with his hoverchair and telepathy skills, to take down the galactic despot Hit-lor? I will not stand for such foolishness! Why, I'd be surprised if Churchill knew any realistic skills such discerning between more than 100 types of tobacco just by observing their ashes!

Still further blasphemy, great detective! The very same percentage of people, 77, also believe that Florence Nightingale was real! Inconceivable! Just look at her name: she sounds more like someone who needs to “get her groove back” than a so-called “pioneer of modern nursing.” Wouldn't you agree, Mr. Sherlock?

Then there's the unfortunate case of Richard the Lionheart, whom only 47 percent of people believe is fictional. My recollections are a bit foggy with this one, but I most certainly recall him being either a Care Bear or the cat-man with the sword on Thundercats.

Yet while I am most flabbergasted by such foolery, I can not help but feel pity for those who have been duped. These are the same poor souls I see who enter the so-called “History” section of their libraries and bookstores to pore among the tall tales of the “past” in hopes that they will “learn” from them. Thankfully, I see less and less of them there every time, so I am sure some progress is being made.

Even so, I believe there is a mastermind behind this current campaign to pull the wool of “history” over the eager eyes of your people. I would most definitely not be surprised to find it was your bitter rival Moriarty, whom you died with only to return to life and your work several years later. If you could do so, why not he?

I am unworthy of giving you orders, but it is my humble suggestion that you contact Scotland Yard at once to investigate this matter. I also suggest recruiting Harry Potter, if he is available. I have only recently heard of him, yet am convinced he is quite clever.

I beg of you, Mr. Holmes; please put an end to these lies before they reach the still as-of-yet wisdom-lapped shores of America! Eagerly I await your reply, but for now I must bid farewell. I have been told Mr. Bunyan is hungry and must don my lard skates to grease his enormous frying pan.

Yours truly,
Tim Latshaw