Guide to Successful Photografy

Photography is the perfect art for people who want something without having to spend a great deal of time bogged down with the tedious task of creating it.  Where you have to form worlds from the ground up in drawing or writing, you can simply point a camera at things people can see with their plain eyes then sell it to them for cash. It’s like having your own regulated air-selling business! How can you go wrong?

Of course, photography is more than just pointing and clicking. The camera is a very complex tool, and you should at least be able to explain how it works to whoever you’re pointing and clicking at. Photography relies upon light, which is made up of particles that come from, like, space or something and go bouncing and careening off of everything in sight like Ted Kennedy at an Oktoberfest. When a photo is taken, these light particles enter through the lens of the camera where they are promptly captured and interrogated—often with threats of imprisonment in Cher’s vanity mirror—until they give up the details of the last thing they bounced off of.  These details are then sketched on the film by the interrogators in opposite colors, because they’re from Bizarro World. The details given by the light particles tend to vary somewhat depending on the last subject they bounced off of. If they bounced off a supermodel, for example, they will remember each perfect curve and tone. If they bounced off you, they will explicitly describe that giant zit you tried to hide with your sister’s concealer.

Once a roll of film has been shot, you can take it to a Wal-Mart to have it developed professionally like some one-hour sissy, or you can take the braver, more artistic route and make the prints yourself in a process that takes half a day and vats of scary chemicals, making the viewers feel sorry for you and therefore more likely to buy your stuff. You will need a darkroom, obviously named since staying in one too long will give you a desire to write depressing angst poetry. When you remove the film from the canister, it must be done in pure darkness. While working in these conditions, it is often a good time to hum a nice song to yourself or contemplate some of the finer aspects of life. It is absolutely not the best time to wonder just how silently and easily someone could sneak into the room and strangle you with your own negatives and how no one may ever find you because not many people really use darkrooms anymore and just by chance if someone ever does trip over your body they may make note of you but surely won’t go for help because they don’t want to open the door and ruin their film. So don’t think about that. The strangling.

If you are looking for more control over your pictures without spending time as a moleperson, there is always the option of taking pictures digitally.  Not only can you print your pictures right at your computer, you can also use programs such as Photoshop to alter them just in case God’s handiwork wasn’t being completely perfect that day. Digital photography is steadily becoming the norm, but many professional photographers are expressing worry over the fact that, since it has no hard negatives, erasing digital photos from your camera’s memory is erasing history itself. But these people can breathe easy; it’s simple to save digital photos forever! All you have to do is connect this cable to the USB port, then rotate the dial and press to get… wait… maybe its in this menu and—whoops, there goes the baby! Ha, well, I’ll get back to you on this.

Now that you know your options, you’re ready to forge boldly out into the world and show it itself! But where should you start? Looking through galleries of popular photography I have compiled a list of subjects that should jumpstart your illustrious career. If you want to attract the critics, take pictures of: Really Tall Buildings, Nature™, Images that Portray the Wonders and/or Deficiencies of the Human Condition, Hot Naked People, Really Tall Buildings Being Reflected in Other Really Tall Buildings, Things Frowning behind Fences, Babies Dressed as Various Representatives of Nature™ Without Their Consent and Hot Naked Really Tall Buildings.

These are just suggestions. But, if you’re innovative, you can just take pictures of anything, mangle them in development and sell it all as “modern” art. Just be sure to be “innovative” on one side of the darkroom so no one trips over you.